I'm Back.... Yes I went away.... You didn't miss me? Oh.

I have made the decision to come back.

*massive fanfare*

*pauses poignantly waiting for this momentous news and flamboyant fanfare to sink in*

*News waits nervously waiting for someone to exclaim...She's back... No one does....News feels like a fool*

Hey...News, come back.......come back.

*News fucks off not wanting to become a damp squib*

*fanfare rolls up its flags and packs itself back into it's velvet lined case*

*fanfare waddles off muttering something about a jousting contest*

Hmmph. Well ok so I haven't been missed. I shall carry on anyway!

I have decided to come back to my online head larder to write stuff down on a page that I painstakingly designed and laid bare my foibles. I did that over a year ago. I wrote two things and then I buggered off.
The reason I haven't visited for so long?
I wasn't sure of the design. I wasn't sure what it said about me. Was the green swirly background image too twee? Should I have my actual name heading the page or was it acceptable to go with my nickname? Should the "about me" bit be vaguely humorous or vaguely humourless? I don't know. I don't know. I just DON'T KNOW.
Also, I wasn't sure of what to write.
I mean I should be sure of what I wanted to say, shouldn't I?
Or should I? Could I ramble on about not a lot? Tell you all about a dream I had last night, tell you what I ate, post pictures of my dog (I will post pictures of my dog), write about the weather (it's snowing today, people are driving like arseholes). Do you see? That's a lot of doubt, a lot of questioning, for a blog. A Blog. Jesus. Stop being such a dick Mayhew.
And so I have been tinkering. Tinkering with the colour, blue, green, pink, grey and finally back to green. Tinkering with the words, endlessly writing and deleting, writing and deleting until finally I gave up because no matter what I wrote (in rough) or dabbled with in design it was never good enough and so I just stopped. Stopped it all, stopped the dabbling, the tinkering and the endless search for the perfect background image. I stopped because it was driving me nuts. I drive me nuts.
So for a year I stayed away and had ideas of writing things down but could never quite commit to ACTUALLY WRITING THINGS DOWN.
So I have had to have a very long and quite stern chat with myself. I stared myself in the eyes and did my best "I am deadly serious about this" face and I spoke to myself, I pulled no punches, I told myself how it was and that I wasn't going to take anymore of my crap.
I don't like stern me especially when I am at the receiving end of stern me. But stern me worked. I listened to stern me.
So over a year ago my first post was about not being able to decide, not being able to commit, being totally lost in a confusion of plenty.
And here I am again, confused and unwilling to commit! I'm constant. I can't decide a fucking thing BUT I am constant.
I do not deviate from the deviation.
And to honour this new found me I am now going to push the button and get on with writing something that's about something other than not being able to write something.
Also, I have to push the button now because I am tinkering with this in a coffee shop and the lady next to be is wearing quite the most suffocating, nostril abusing perfume I have ever had the misfortune of sniffing. Sniffing would imply that I am actively trying to smell it... I am not. It is abusing me and my nasal space.

*pushes publish and flounces off without a second thought*



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Cups and Mugs and Plates oh my...

So it appears that I have a foible or peccadillo if you will. I think that it is something that I have developed over a period of time and would call it more of a concern for asthetics than proper full blown OCD
So here it is ahem …. *clears throat with trepidation*
I have a problem with plates, cups, bowls and mugs.
There it’s out there. I have a problem with plates, cups, bowls and mugs…phew!
I don’t have a problem with these items as items but I do have a problem with these items if they are not white.
Oh God I’m a tableware racist.
So here’s the thing I cannot drink tea or coffee or any other hot beverage in a cup/mug that has not got a white interior. It just isn’t right, asthetically, you know?
People will kindly make me tea in a cup/mug that is for expample blue inside….nope, wrong, it makes the tea a funny colour, not the colour it should be, it taints it. With a white interior things are the colour they should be. People have suggested that I could probably drink from a cup/mug with a brown/black interior, I say to them NO….that just makes the liquid a solid block colour where as it should have an air of translucence about it an opaqueness that is lost when imbibing from a cup that is full of colour.
I can deal with a pattern on the outside of the mug, one that is pleasing to the eye of course, it’s just the inside that needs to remain white. A common horror is the blue on the outside yellow on the inside combo ……..I become very tense at the sight of this, especially if it is coming towards me with a smile and a “here you go” ………
This same thing extends to bowls and plates….the thought of eating tomato soup from a blue bowl fills me with dread, a bowl of cereal from a red bowl…argh why would you?
Of course I have tried to think of things that I could eat from a plate that was say black and I have come up with something ….Sushi…sushi works on a black plate so that I could do. I can also eat delicate cakes from delicatly patterned plates, I could probably manage to eat off of a plate that had patterning on the outside rim if the food is heaped onto the white bit in the middle, I am always on the look out for ways around ths oddity.
This little foible is a bit of a hindrence when eating out, you never know what your food is going to be served on but so far I have refrained from taking my own plates with me I mean I’m not mad..Oh I also keep note of restaurants that use white plates.
I don’t know where this has come from, some call me fussy (I’m not) some call it an ocd (it’s not) some just stare at me with mouth agog as though I am from another world (I’m not), it is just a thing that I have developed and makes perfect sense to me…
So there it is, out there, in the public domain. I feel lighter.
P.S
Please note that in no way is this a euphemism for people, I like my people any which way……
P.P.S
This affliction also extends to paper cups and take away products.

My Weekender Bender

Just before Christmas I saw an advert on the Actor's Centre website......I looked at it and thought yes I want to do this, this is what I have been looking for.  It was a weekend course called REFRESH! Yup that's what I needed re-freshing... did I get straight on the phone and book? Errr no because that would be a decision and no matter how much I wanted to do this I had to decide that it was the best course out there for me, offering classes that I wanted to do at a price that I wanted/could pay therefore I had to scour the internet just to make sure that I was making a good decision.
 So Christmas came and went and I made a vague new years resolution to become more decisive, to go by my gut (which has served me very well in the past and I have always acted on) to give myself only one hour for any fannying around then the decision has to be made.
With great gusto I returned to the Actor's Centre website and emailed my interest ( I am not one for speaking on phones?!) Within a minute I had an email back asking me to call in and book a place!
Mmmm, ok it was time to face that fear head on too, I don't know where my dislike of talking on the phone comes from but there you go....at some point I will write about my plate likes and dislikes! 
Anyhoo, I called, I booked, I paid....simple.
Yay! I was now looking forward to a weekend of acting classes to REFRESH me.....I have felt a little stuck in a comedy rut, this is not a bad place to be stuck in but it makes you fearful of any staright/serious work that might be up for grabs! Nobody was coming with me so it was a perfect setting to test my boundries and comfort zones.
Friday night and I headed out to meet my lovely friend, let's call her The Wench, for a few beers, my other friend, we shall call him Baldy was there as was The Rae,  I informed them that I would be being very good and heading off early so that I could be bright eyed and bushy tailed for the next day.
This did not happen....
I had beers and chats and fun and other friends came along and beers led to wine and wine led to incoherent babbling and eventual staggering home so much later than planned and of course one cannot go home and go straight to bed, nooooooo, one had to have gin first .
Of course I slept through my alarm and then staggered and stumbled into some clothing that may or may not have been appropriate for the day ....the words I spoke as I walked out of the door were "great I'm still drunk...I fucking hate myself...." .....a good start then.
The train was freezing my hangover kicked in the tubes were up the spout and I was late....joy! I found a Sainsbury's and bought copious amounts of juice and fruit and water and dashed  into the Actor's Centre. Everyone had already gone in so I found my studio and as quietly as possible opened the door revealing lots of fresh faced actors listening intently to a wonderful voice teacher called Annie Morrison...I tiptoed across the floor, plonked myself down in my seat and put my bag on the floor, everything then fell out of my bag creating noise and embarrassment, after shoving it all back in I finally had time to sit and breath. This is when I realised that I had not had time to wash my hair or shower myself and was now sitting amongst clean people who probably thought that I was a boozy old tramp.
I had to throw myself into the class and despite the constant nausea and boozy wafts I made it through and felt pretty damn pleased with myself. Annie was an inspiring teacher and I would have loved for the class to be double, no triple the time ......

The course was a two dayer and the next day was just as eye opening and wonderful as the first, well more so really as I was not fighting off the second coming of beer and I had washed! I stepped outside of my comfort zone and I quite liked it out there.
I shall be going back to do  more workshops and although I would love to promise that I will never, ever repeat my boozy actions the night before something fabulous I suspect that that is a promise I will not keep...I will however decide more because that decision as it turns out was a belter!

http://www.actorscentre.co.uk/




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A Thing I Saw

Whilst I am still deciding which of the many things rattling around my head to blog about I have managed to make the decision to post some pics....Well it would have been pics but I can only upload one at a time from my phone so now it is a thing that I saw! However even deciding to go ahead despite there being only one picture allowed is definitely progress!



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Why Does It Take Me So Long?

It has taken me two days to select a theme that I vaguely like and upload it, I am still not sure it best suits me but I had to make a decision otherwise I would never have started this Tumblr malarky. I am a very bad decision maker: not that I make bad decisions I just can’t decide on stuff. I am still deciding if to buy some actual UGGS or whether some good fakes will do, this has been going on since October 2010, by the time I do eventually decide it will be summer and I will have to decide whether Havaianas are really worth the money or should I just stick to some cheapy Primark flip flops…Of course this all makes me look a bit flakey, it’s not just footwear that I can’t decide on, I can’t decide on many, many, many life decisions. So this begs the question whilst I’m pontificating on life’s meaningless and meaningful decisions amd I missing out on the life bit….?

I am now deciding if to upload this now or add more…..bugger it, just push the fucking button .........